Apologise
by Moiranne Rose
Summary: Drowning and Suicide: songfic based on the Timbaland song and for the challenge posted on my profile. Enjoy dear readers! Rated for suicidal thoughts and that bucketload of angst.


_I'm holding on your rope,  
Got me ten feet off the ground  
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound  
You tell me that you need me  
Then you go and cut me down, but wait  
You tell me that you're sorry  
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...  
_

My suicide.

Would you care? Probably not. I've always been the thorn in your side. You would think, "Good riddance". You might think back to me, but not to cry or reminisce. Just to laugh at my stupidity. I know. You've never thought of me anymore than that troublesome co-worker. Not even my name. Just that clumsy good-for-nothing. You never liked me, I always gave you trouble. When I tried to take you out of your little comfort zone, giving you trouble everyday, trying to coax you out of your shell, you thought of me as nothing. You will be happy to know then, that I will be out of your midst soon. Just a few more hours.

I can't kill myself. Maybe it's because I don't have the courage. That would be your explanation. But it's because I must hold on. For Rude and Elena's sake, I must. They need me, even if you don't. But tonight, Rude is out at the bar with her, and you're on a mission, so I'm entertaining myself thinking of how it would go if I had the chance. Maybe the good old slitting of wrists would be nice, but then again, throwing myself down the top floor of ShinRa did sound good too. No, drowning sounded the best, how poetic, to let water, in its fluidity, flow over you, around you, in you. And to let yourself go and be taken into its deadly embrace. No blood, just a cold lifeless body.

I wish you would care if I did try. But I can't fool myself into thinking of that. You tolerate me only because I am part of your assigned Turks. If it wasn't like this, I wouldn't have even had the chance to fight with you. But even when you tolerate me, in all my foolishness, you hate me. I can feel it in your stares. Those piercing mako-filled eyes, boring into me, as you scold me for my emotional outbursts, like that time I got myself hurt while I let my emotions take over me when I was in combat. I knew that you thought of me as a weakling, letting my feelings get the better of me. But to feel is human, is it not? But you keep telling me, being human is a luxury we do not have.

Do you know how hard it is to try to salvage the bits of your heart you've broken some many times over? I'm trying, aiming for that unattainable goal of reaching far enough into you, to fnd that human heart you've tried so hard to conceal. In those brief moments that I deceive myself into thinking are friendly, you seem to be trying to reach to me, but when I hold out my hand, you withdraw yours, choosing to draw yourself in again. I wish you'd let me in, but then again, you probably don't have time to tolerate much more of me.

Don't you remember, who it was that got me into this in the first place? You. That's right. You did. You killed my family and brought me here. To this god-forsaken place. Yet I can't bring myself to hate you. I curse my weakness. You took all the things I loved, burned my memories to ash, yet I can't hate you. Curse you.

I don't even want you to apologise, because, it's not your fault. This is your job, and I'm up against the might of ShinRa. Isn't that a losing battle? I don't even wish I'd never met you. Life with you when you are so far out of my reach is still infinitely better than a life not knowing you at all. So I'm not asking for a apology.

But yet I find myself asking, why did you get me stuck in this? In this swirl of emotions I can't understand, emotions you can't return.

I'm drowning; do you care?

_ It's too late to apologize, it's too late  
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late_

I'd take another chance, take a fall  
Take a shot for you  
And I need you like a heart needs a beat  
But it's nothin new  
I loved you with a fire red-  
Now it's turning blue, and you say...  
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you  
But I'm afraid...  


My living hell.

This life dictated by monotony and normality. Until you came into my life. You brought with you such life, such feelings that I would never have known without you. Your normal face is one of laughter and smiles, unlike my own cold mask of ice. You are warmth, I am chill. You must hate me. I brought you into this place. This place that has no other season other than winter in the air.

The PHS in my pocket rings. Unable to stop myself and my Whipping it out, I flip it open and answer.

"Yes Rufus?"

He fills me with coordinates and numbers. I jot them down in my head. Then he abruptly ends the discussion and puts down the phone. I sigh and close my own. I am to wait for a messenger to come. They will come in a helicopter bringing SOLDIER units and I am to tell them what I have learned of the fortress and tell them the directions as relayed by Rufus. Then I will get into the helicopter and leave for ShinRa again.

Such was my life. Even after you came, I've been too far, too long gone for you to pick up the rest of the shards of my soul. But you're still bending over, getting your hands bloody as the sharp edges scratch you. Why do you try? I'm touched, but I have to protect you. Please know, it's not that I don't want to love you, I can't let myself. I'll get you hurt. My life, is something you don't want to have.

That time I scolded you with all I had, after you came back all bloody from the combat mission Rufus put you on. I had heard what you had done. That I nearly lost you because your heart was too kind. I lost it. To me, no one is as precious as you. So I screamed, I yelled, because I knew that, if you really were lost, it would be my fault. Because I declined doing that mission, wanting you to go. If you died because of my cowardice, I couldn't live with that guilt.

I'm not asking you to say sorry, because this is not your fault. Just please. Please. Leave me alone to face my own demons. I don't want you to lose yourself too. I'm pushing you away, bbut only so you can have the chance at a life that is normal, safe and with someone you can love and can love you with all of their heart. Not someone you have to dig so deep just to find that his heart lies broken so much deeper than you have reached. You're fighting a losing battle.

So, might as well give up now.

_  
It's too late to apologize, it's too late  
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late_

Bridge (guitar/piano)

It's too late to apologize, it's too late  
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late  
It's too late to apologize, yeah  
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-  
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

* * *

**A/N: This is my 3rd challenge fic, based on both Drowning and Suicide. Though the drowning part is a bit small, I hope it will suffice. This is just another angst filled piece on what they (you should know who) think of each other, and what demons they have within them. Hopefully, you enjoyed it. So REVIEW, dear readers, so I don't crawl into a ball and stop writing altogether (was that a threat?).**

**Moiranne Rose**


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